Track 6 – “I Know” – Behind the Song

I initially wrote the music for this one in about 2001, but a friend of mine had written lyrics for it. Through the years I have rewritten lyrics to it a handful of times, but it never seemed right. It usually came off as a cheesy love song. It wasn’t until I was wrapping up Objects in Mirror that I tried again. I think I can finally call this one “done!”

There have been multiple times during my adult life where I have struggled with panic attacks and insomnia. I’ve had doctors suggest (not a formal diagnosis) that it is due to obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder due to agoraphobia (crowds), or just trying to do too much.

When my middle son was two years old, he became upset at a museum, and I could immediately see it was not just hunger/crankiness. He was having a panic attack–the look of fear in his eyes gave it away. And after a few more experiences at parades (lights/sirens), fireworks displays, and restaurants, he was diagnosed with autism. Now, I want to be clear that not all anxiety is the same, just like not all grieving is the same. Not all enjoyment is the same. I’ve heard multiple professionals say, “If you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve met…one child with autism.” The gist is that it manifests differently in each person.

Having dealt with anxiety-related issues, and seeing them in my son, it gives me a soft spot for those who struggle with these and other afflictions like depression. It can be crippling in the moment. And even worse than dealing with it alone, it can be humiliating to struggle with it alongside someone else, or heaven forbid, in public. I know I’ve told myself many times that people wouldn’t understand, and that I just need to keep it together. But I’ve also found it’s more often the case that we can find support when we need it, even if it isn’t from our original friend circle.

This underscores the need to be willing to see “the stare” of someone who really needs support. In a given situation, I may be the only one willing to let them ride out the storm, reminding them to breathe and that they have someone with them. And while my struggles are likely different from theirs, to an extent, I know.